Jokes that have never produced laughter, Vol. 3

3. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
--from The Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman

Jokes that have never produced laughter, Vol. 2

A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, "Ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

--from The Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman

Jokes that have never produced laughter, Vol. 1

A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."


--from The Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman

WITH GRATEFUL HEART MY THANKS I BRING

With grateful heart my thanks I bring,
Before the great Thy praise I sing;
I worship in Thy holy place
And praise Thee for Thy truth and grace;
For truth and grace together shine
In Thy most holy Word divine,
In Thy most holy Word divine.

I cried to Thee and Thou didst save,
Thy Word of grace new courage gave;
The kings of earth shall thank Thee, Lord,
For they have heard Thy wondrous Word;
Yea, they shall come with songs of praise,
For great and glorious are Thy ways,
For great and glorious are Thy ways.

O Lord, enthroned in glory bright,
Thou reignest in the heavenly height;
The proud in vain Thy favor seek,
But Thou hast mercy for the meek;
Through trouble though my pathway be,
Thou wilt retrieve and strengthen me,
Thou wilt retrieve and strengthen me.

Thou wilt stretch forth Thy mighty arm
To save me when my foes alarm;
The work Thou hast for me begun
Shall by Thy grace be fully done;
Forever mercy dwells with Thee;
O Lord, my Maker, think on me,
O Lord, my Maker, think on me.

This guy -->

God hates?

We talked about the Westboro Baptist church last week in our Bible study class.  Take a look at their statements sometime and the verses they use to back up their position.  It's interesting to see why they take the stance they do.  Where did they go off the tracks?  Does God hate sin?  Does He hate those who commit sin?  He does.  


Here's the part I think they are missing:  They are sinners too.  The only way they can escape God's wrath is through faith in Jesus Christ.  That same escape is available to everyone, even those they say God hates.  Why would God open this escape route to His enemies?  He dug the tunnel out of the prison  and is offering to show the way to all the inmates!  Why?


For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

The future

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
C. S. Lewis

Justify yourselves

The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus. He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight.


Luke 16:14-15

Surprised by Joy

Surprised by joy—impatient as the Wind

I turned to share the transport—Oh! with whom

But Thee, long buried in the silent Tomb,

That spot which no vicissitude can find?

Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind—

But how could I forget thee?—Through what power,

Even for the least division of an hour,

Have I been so beguiled as to be blind

To my most grievous loss!—That thought’s return

Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,

Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,

Knowing my heart’s best treasure was no more;

That neither present time, nor years unborn

Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.

BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

Think like an Egyptian

"True wisdom is less presuming than folly. The wise man doubteth often, and changeth his mind; the fool is obstinate, and doubteth not; he knoweth all things but his own ignorance." --Akhenaton

Perfectionist

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. 
Matthew 5:43-48

Is belief a choice?

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?  And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”

 But not all the Israelites accepted the good news. For Isaiah says, “Lord, who has believed our message?”  Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.  But I ask: Did they not hear? Of course they did:

   “Their voice has gone out into all the earth,
   their words to the ends of the world.”

   Again I ask: Did Israel not understand? First, Moses says,

   “I will make you envious by those who are not a nation;
   I will make you angry by a nation that has no understanding.”

   And Isaiah boldly says,

   “I was found by those who did not seek me;
   I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me.”

   But concerning Israel he says,

   “All day long I have held out my hands
   to a disobedient and obstinate people.”

Romans 10:14-21